Sadly…they are real! BUT here’s what you can do
Our takeaways:
- TTC (Trying to Conceive) blues are as real but not as well recognized as baby blues.
- The waiting game
- TTC blues symptoms
- To cope with TTC blues or prevent it, you can
- Equip yourself with TTC knowledge so that you can set realistic expectations
- Design your schedules so that TTC is only a small part of your life (because it is)
- Stop benchmarking your experience with your small sample size of friends or friends’ friends
- Cultivate mindfulness to alleviate TTC blues and beyond
If there’s any upside to this long-haul pandemic, it would be the increasing awareness of our mental health. More and more people started to openly talk about it, actively ask for help, and/or share resources with their communities and loved ones.
With this positive macro environment, when it comes to pregnancy, mental health seems to be gaining a decent amount of awareness too. From the resources on “baby blues” and postpartum depression (PPD), to the global publicity of Maternal Mental Health Month (of May), all seem to be suggesting that we are on the right track.
While perinatal/prenatal/antenatal/postnatal mental health is critical, I’m surprised how little attention we’ve put on mental health during TTC /Pre-conception stage. The overwhelming information, drastic lifestyle changes, and most importantly “the waiting game”, can also take a toll on the mental health of TTC couples at the very beginning of their parenthood journey. In this article, we will acknowledge the existence of “TTC blues” and share the techniques you can easily apply to cope with it.
The waiting game
“I have been sleeping for longer hours these days but still feeling exhausted. I’m pretty sure that I’m pregnant.”
“I felt the weird cramps in my lower belly that I never felt before. Am I pregnant?”
“I’ve been peeing a lot more than usual. That’s a sign of pregnancy!”
If you are having these monologues in your head during the two weeks post ovulation, you are not alone. Regardless of whether you just started trying or have been trying for a while, it is common to wonder if this month will be THE month and thus you consciously/subconsciously start looking for the “signs” (aka. early pregnancy symptoms).
Once your body has checked the boxes of 1 or 2 signs (or you thought it had), you either got excited and couldn’t wait to pee on the pregnancy test sticks or you told yourself that these signs didn’t mean anything (but you were still secretly happy).
Then, finally came the day of your expected period, you woke up early and tip-toed to the bathroom. You silently tore apart the pregnancy test package and carefully placed it to capture your mid-stream urines perfectly. You saw the control line show up and you waited to see the second line. For a minute or two, you imagined waking your partner up with the two-line test result. Then 4 minutes passed, and you peeked at the stick wishing to see some traces of the second line. When the stopwatch hit the 5-minute mark, you still only saw the lonely control line. You thought to yourself, “maybe give it another minute or two”. Then came the 7-minute mark. You picked up the stick and stared at it, tilting it slightly back and forth so that you don’t miss any angle. Still no sign of the second line! You quietly tossed it in the trash bin. You sneaked back to bed, wondering if you should go back to the trash and check it one more time…
Two days later, your period came and everything reset.
What is TTC blues
For many, this two-week waiting game is an emotional rollercoaster of high anticipation, excitement, anxiety, worry, frustration and perhaps disappointment. And for a lot more, this rollercoaster ride doesn’t last for just two weeks – but many more! Regardless of how many two-week waits you are experiencing, it is normal that your mood and your mental health are somewhat impacted.
Like baby blues – short-term dips in mood caused by all of the changes that come with a new baby, “TTC blues” has similar symptoms but happens while you are trying to get pregnant (vs a few days to 2 weeks after giving birth in baby blues). The symptoms may include (but not limited to):
- Obsessive thinking or worrying about getting pregnant
- Feeling worthless, guilty, or ashamed about not getting pregnant immediately
- Being upset with a negative pregnancy test result
- Persistent feelings of sadness
- Easily become frustrated or angry, even over small things or at strangers
- Having trouble concentrating or remembering
- Decreasing desires for sex or feeling anxious/forced to have sex
- Feelings of jealousy when you see other pregnant women
- Feeling socially isolated or lonely
How to cope with TTC blues or even prevent it
Many of us TTCers often get such advice: “Just relax”, “You will get there”, “Don’t worry about it too much”, etc. It’s basically advising a person who’s trying weight control to “Just don’t get fat”. Not helpful, isn’t it? The real question is HOW?
1. Equip yourself with TTC knowledge so that you can set realistic expectations
Going back to what I mentioned earlier, there’s comparatively less information out there on TTC and its impact on our mental health. As a result, many of us came to the game with expectations that after a few baby-making sexes during ovulation, we will get a baby or two, and that’s when we need to start worrying about everything else. No one told us about what to expect while TTC or how our bodies and brains will react during the two-week waiting period. A few things below will help set you up for a more practical mindset since Day 0:
- It it normal for a healthy couple, who are doing everything right, to try for 6 – 12 months to get pregnant. Don’t worry about infertility at all or wonder why it is not working until after at least 6 months.
- Early signs of pregnancy have no direct correlation to you being pregnant. For one, those symptoms of early pregnancy – tender breasts, fatigue, bloating, emotional sensitivity, light cramping, or even food cravings, are also signs of fluctuating premenstrual hormones. Our bodies are designed to take care of potential new life as soon as ovulation occurs. One of the hormones responsible for maintaining a healthy early pregnancy – Progesterone, would increase as a result and cause those aforementioned symptoms. If we end up becoming pregnant, progesterone will continue to increase. Otherwise, it will drop back down when the period starts (Source). For another, half of all women have no symptoms by 5 weeks of pregnancy (Source). Knowing the above, it is not worth letting these so-called “signs” impact your days. Your only source of confirming the pregnancy should be the pregnancy tests.
2. Design your schedules so that TTC is only a small part of your life (because it is)
While TTC is a big milestone for any of us, it doesn’t have to be drop-everything-else kind of big. Yes, there are a lot of knowledge to learn, research to do, tests to conduct, and conversations to have (with yourself and with your partners), take one step at a time.
- Create a system/cheat sheet to help you organize and prioritize action items based on what you need and where you are at in your journey. See our Baby-Making Cheat Sheet fyi.
- Allocate dedicated time to check off the action items one by one. It can be 30 mins to 1 hour per day or 3 to 7 hours per week, depending on your preference. The goal is to set a mental boundary for yourself that TTC isn’t all while at the same time you feel you are making progress.
- Allow yourself to worry but confine it within the “worry time” you set. As mentioned before, it is normal that your mood and your mental health are somewhat impacted by TTC. It’s important to acknowledge it and reaasure yourself that the worry is under control.
3. Stop benchmarking your experience with your small sample size of friends or friends’ friends
There are many things in life that will benefit from benchmarking, but getting pregnant is not one of them. “ABC just got pregnant after one try” doesn’t mean you can repro their experience by copying whatever they were doing. “DEF had 3 miscarriages in the past 9 months” shouldn’t scare you or be indicative of your journey in any way. “GHI wasn’t even trying but they got pregnant” shouldn’t discourage you from whatever efforts you are making. Because everyone is different!
4. Cultivate mindfulness to alleviate TTC blues and beyond
Mindfulness is such a big topic. Oftentimes, people think of mindfulness as meditating in a quiet room by yourself but it’s a lot more than that. The core idea of mindfulness is to be present and be mindful of what’s happening at the exact moment, without judgment. While meditation is proven to be effective and helpful for many, it might not be for everyone. Here are some alternatives for consideration:
- Exercising. No matter it’s yoga, walking, hiking, or swimming, focus on your breaths first. Starting with deep breaths can help you regain your focus. During the exercise, continue breathing to get yourself out of your head full of emotions and thoughts (The Mindful Athlete: Secrets to Pure Performance). Pay attention to your body while mindful exercising, connecting your body with your mind without caring about the result.
- Making art. Art is a natural way to practice mindfulness – the colors, textures, and sounds of creating pull us into the moment. Use your five senses to focus on the process of creating rather than the outcome. The art form doesn’t matter: try Procreate on iPad if you prefer digital art (maybe a good idea to turn off notifications though); challenge yourself with a 3D art decor like PaperCraft World or Paperraz; or simply doodle on scrap paper.
- Volunteering. Volunteering to a cause that you support is also a great way to bring your mind back to the present, from either regrating about the past or worrying about the future. Plus, the act of giving improves the feeling of self-worth and social connectiveness which are often lacking when one is experiencing TTC blues. If you are in search of a cause or the concept of giving, this book might be helpful: The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life
Final thoughts
TTC blues are real but it’s not as scary as it sounds. Just as having a baby is a learning experience for us, we can learn to cope with TTC blues. Note that this article is for reference only. If your symptoms persist or worsen despite of your self-interventions, contact your healthcare provider for help. More information:
- Crisis Text Line, text HOME to 741741
- Depression during and after pregnancy: A resource for women, their families and friends from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Health Resources and Services Administration, Office of Maternal and Child Health
- Mental Health America
- Moms’ Mental Health Matters
- Mothertobaby.org, How mental illness and its treatment affect pregnancy and breastfeeding from the Organization of Teratology Information Specialists (OTIS)
- National Alliance on Mental Illness, 800-950-NAMI (6264)
- National Institute of Mental Health “Baby Blues” or Postpartum Depression? Video
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 800-273-TALK (8255)
- Postpartum Support International, 800-944-4PPD (4773)
- Substance and Mental Health Services Administration
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