Our takeaways:
- During pregnancy, the volume and the intensity of expectations often involuntarily skyrocket, from ourselves or others.
- How we manage our expectations of others’ expectations matters because we have no control over what others expect.
- Do your own stakeholder analysis using the Interest-Influence Grid, so that you can prepare yourself and avoid (or at least minimize) being affected by others’ expectations during your pregnancy.
Expectations in pregnancy
We live in a world full of expectations. There are our expectations of ourselves, our partners, parents, in-laws, kids, friends, doctors, coworkers, pets, and even strangers. Also, there are their expectations of us, or more complicatedly – our expectations of their expectations and vice versa. Somehow, we have each found ways to manage these expectations, effectively or not, and have been living our lives.
However, during pregnancy, the volume and the intensity of expectations often involuntarily skyrocket, from ourselves or others.
“Are you supposed to drink coffee?” – a stranger frowned at you in Starbucks
“You should watch your weight” – a mom friend measured you with her eyeballs
“You must be carrying a boy” – an aunty from the church said as if she can see through your body
“Your belly seems small in your 16th week!” – your mom commented with probably only herself as the benchmark
“Why are you here? You should be resting at home.” – your coworker stared at your bump in the hallway
“Will I be strong enough to give birth naturally? What if I prefer epidural?” – you are having these monologues in your head and trying to negotiate with yourself
“Should I get a professional doula? Will that hurt my partner’s feeling/making him feel that he’s not enough?” – you asked yourself when you are marching towards your due date
Luckily, we can better deal with our own expectations after we’ve equipped ourselves with pregnancy-related knowledge and tools. (Start with this End-to-End Baby-Making Cheat Sheet). In other words, we only need to figure out how to manage others’ expectations.
Pregnancy seems to have a magical power to bring out the outspoken side of everybody. Perhaps it was due to the fact that everyone was once a baby, some once a mom, knows a mom or two, or knows a baby or two? Regardless of the source of that magical power, once you have announced your pregnancy, everyone wants to share their experience, tips, stories, or even shopping lists with you. While most of them are well-intentioned with love and care, their expectations of what a “good” mother looks like, what you should be doing and should not, and how you should take care of yourself and your baby can be scarily daunting! Yes, scarily.
The reality is – people can expect whatever they want regardless of whether we like it or not – which likely will not change in the near future. What can change though, is how we manage their expectations, or more precisely, how we manage our expectations of their expectations. The objective is to identify the stakeholders who matter and who don’t (or matter less). As a result, we can determine what level of interactions/engagement we need with them since Day 0 and maintain our inner peace throughout pregnancy.
Expectation management in pregnancy
To achieve the aforementioned objective, a simple tool we use in project/program management comes in handy – Stakeholder Interest-Influence Grid. To put it simply, we are going to draw two axes – X indicates the level of interest and Y indicates the level of influence, and drop each stakeholder into the quadrant.
Stakeholders are usually defined as individuals and/or organizations who are involved in the project, or whose interests may be positively or negatively affected as a result of project execution or successful project completion. Interest is the stakeholders’ concern with us, our team and/or our deliverables. The quality of our deliverables will more or less affect our stakeholder’s well-being depending on how high/low their interests are. Influence is the power that stakeholders have with us, our team and/or our deliverables. Depending on the stakeholder’s influence (via their position and/or expertise), they may have more or less say in our success. With these said, our stakeholders can be classified into 4 major types: High Interest/High Influence, High Interest/Low Influence, Low Interest/High Influence, and Low Interest/Low Influence (and of course, anything in between). Let’s take a closer look at what each of them means in the context of our pregnancy.
High Interest/High Influence
This is the most important group of our stakeholders. They are the key players who not only care about our entire pregnancy but also contribute to how successful it would be. While each of us would put different stakeholders in this quadrant, some of the potential candidates are our partner, ob-gyn/mid-wife, maternity hospital/birthing center, doula, and…the baby.
The engagement strategy with this group of stakeholders would be: to manage closely or collaborate actively. Actively involve them throughout the journey, leverage their support and knowledge to evaluate risks, and make important decisions together.
High Interest/Low Influence
This is the group of stakeholders who care about our pregnancy but have limited power to influence the results. Some of the potential candidates are our parents, siblings, in-laws, mom friends, coworkers, etc.
The engagement strategy with this group would be: to inform proactively as needed. We love them and they love us but they don’t need to be present in every decision we make. Set up recurring FaceTime or emails with them to ensure their engagements give priority to the key players.
Low Interest/High Influence
This is the group of stakeholders who might only care about a specific area of our pregnancy so compared to other stakeholders their interests are lower. However, given their expertise and experience, they are crucial to our final results. Some of the potential candidates are physical therapists, prenatal yoga trainers, acupuncturists, insurance providers, etc.
The engagement strategy with this group would be: to engage and consult on interest areas. Understand their motivations and satisfy them when we are able. However, when their interests/suggestions contradict, remember that we are the ones who are seeing the big picture and making the decisions.
Low Interest/Low Influence
This is the group of stakeholders who don’t really care about our pregnancy (even though they may appear to) and have limited influence on the results. Some of the potential candidates are social media “friends”, acquaintances, other relatives whom you rarely interact with anyways, or that stranger at Starbucks or that church aunty.
The engagement strategy with this group would be minimal communication but monitoring in case their positions in the grid change. For example, if one of our cousins also got pregnant, she might become our ally and have a higher interest.
Do your own stakeholder analysis
Each pregnancy is unique hence your grid will probably look different from my grid above. The bottom line is: Do your own stakeholder analysis, on paper or in your mind, so that you can prepare yourself and avoid (or at least minimize) being affected by others’ expectations during your pregnancy.
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