Our takeaways
“Are we ready to have a baby?”. It takes a lot of level-settings with yourself and with your baby-making partner (BMP) to answer this question truthfully and holistically. However, it’s not as hard as it appears! Learn to use the “Second-order thinking” and the “Go/No-Go” frameworks from this article to work out what matters to you and what benefits the long term.
“Are we ready to have a baby?”
Although this is one of the most common questions that couples ask themselves before trying for babies, admittedly our answers tend to be more certain than our actual readiness in most cases. (P.s: salute and congrats to you if your case doesn’t fall into this bucket!)
Why is it? Maybe we have mistaken excitement with readiness? Maybe one of us didn’t want to disappoint the other? Or maybe secretly we somewhat have the pride mindset of “if others can do it, we can do it too”? As frustrating as it might sound, it is an inevitable process that many of us have to go through (probably more than one time). My husband Calvin and I had this conversation (if not argument) last week and if I can summarize, it just takes a lot of level-settings with yourself and with your baby-making partner (BMP) to answer this question truthfully and holistically.
The “Second-order thinking”
To answer this question truthfully, I think what really helped in our case was the “Second-order thinking” mental model. In short, “Second-order thinking” is our ability to think through problems to the second, third, or nth order – combating our brains’ tendency to seek for quick and easy (but usually superficial) solves. This model pushes us to always ask “And then what?” so that we can peel the onions layer by layer. In other words, answer the big question by answering a bunch of small questions, and then evaluate whether each of the small answers is a “Plus” or “Minus” to the big question, and consolidate your “Pluses” and “Minuses” for form your final big answer.
So when my husband and I really sat down and seriously asked ourselves “Are we ready to have a baby?”, here was our thought process:
First-order thinking
We love kids and we knew that we are going to have kids even before we married each other. Now we are married and came back from our awesome honeymoon, we can jump right into the baby-making process. Plus, I’m approaching the magic 35 years old and my husband is turning 38 this year, we are already late.
First-order consequences: We start trying and probably will get pregnant sooner than we imagined. We panic over haven’t been able to think about what being pregnant means to our lives/jobs/financials. We start to research about the dos and don’ts as parents-to-be and are overwhelmed by all kinds info. Meanwhile, we worry about if we can still refloor our house this summer and/or do the Asia trip later this year as we are not sure how much to budget for the upcoming new family member. Also, we start to wonder whether our baby will be healthy given that we have been indulging ourselves in food and drinks that we were limiting ourselves to prior to the wedding and haven’t been exercising much (if not at all). Not to mention that Calvin has been suffering from a sleep apnea of which the cause we haven’t quite figured out yet.
Second-order thinking
We love kids and we knew that we are going to have kids even before we married each other. But we are still figuring things out in this new married life, including our combined finances, a new (and still empty) house that requires some work, crazy tech working schedules, and Calvin’s health issue(s). We need to clear what’s already in our plates before adding another huge commitment, or at least re-prioritize them.
Second-order consequences: We start by level-setting between ourselves: figuring out what the priorities are of each of us, of us as a team, and whether or how the priorities would change if a baby is in the picture. Meanwhile, we start learning the basics of parenthood so that we can set the expectations with ourselves what are required of us, of the other half. Then we can better evaluate whether we are actually ready physically, mentally and/or spiritually.
As illustrated above, the second-order thinking helped us realize we are NOT ready for a baby now despite of our passion for it and the pressing age threshold.
The Go/No-Go framework
To answer this question holistically, I think the “Go/No-Go” framework we use quite often in PMing actually applies perfectly. In tech world, “Go/No-Go” refers to a series of meetings when stakeholders would review a list of pre-set criteria to evaluate product launch readiness. This framework not only helps decision makers to think through what matters (from most to least) to achieve the “Ready/Go” status, but also helps separate emotional factors (i.e: pressure, excitement) that often dominate first-order thinking.
Under this framework, we listed below what matters to us for a “Go” for baby. P0 – must have, P1 – preferred to have, P2 – nice to have. Apparently, we are still a “No-Go” but we are okay with it and know exactly what we need to get us to the “Go”.
| Category | Priority | Criteria | Go/No-Go | Reasoning |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Financials | P0 | Monthly stable income while only one parent is working Savings can support both of us not working for 6 months | No-Go | We still need 1 more month to stabilize option investment tactics to fulfil the stable income requirement |
| Life Priorities | P0 | We can drop everything on our current plate and focus on baby-making | No-Go | Calvin’s health is now our top priority for the next 3 months |
| Physical | P0 | We don’t have any known/unknown diseases to pass to our kids We are eating healthily and working out at least 3 times a week | Conditional Go | Genetic testing suggested Go. Will need to recover from post wedding over-eating and under-exercising to be a full Go. |
| Mental | P0 | We are relaxed and confident in whatever comes next, as a team | No-Go | Dependent on other P0 criteria |
| Basic Knowledge | P1 | We know what to expect during parenthood and how to support each other | No-Go | We haven’t started study yet |
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